On the Outside

On the outside

On the outside. That’s how she felt. Disconnected from the world and the people around her. People who once were her best friends, now she barely talked to. She knew pulling away from the theatre program would cause things to be different but she never imagined the sense of loneliness that she would feel. Listening to her “friends” talk about rehearsals and auditions, for the first time, felt like a different language. A language she used to know but was now too fuzzy to fully understand. She could see as her friends slowly drifted away but there was nothing she could say to stop them. And she couldn’t blame them either. She was at a different part in her life, engaged and planning her wedding and future. They were still just college kids, living for the stage like she once had been. Still, it hurt to see how much less in common she and her “friends” had now. A few stayed, a few would try but even with them it was hard. When she wasn’t working or doing wedding planning, they would have rehearsals and vice versa. Hanging out all together seemed to be something they just couldn’t coordinate. Though she continued to go to class, she felt out of place sitting in those classroom chairs. She longed to be free from these walls, longing to be doing something more productive that would benefit her future than learning about art mediums. She wanted to work and make money all day instead of sit in a class she could care less about. She wanted to spend her free time writing instead of doing homework. This feeling of loneliness and being out of place though, was nothing new to her. For she had felt that way many times throughout her 21 years of life. Always acting older than she really was, always dreaming of bigger things. Always the mom of the group, the responsible one. The one who rather stay at home cuddling with her boyfriend while watching a movie than out getting drunk and partying into all hours of the night. A girl who had an imagination like no other but whose imagination kept becoming less and less as reality took over. Who once could look at a blank piece of paper and write for hours about a new land but now stares at a half-written novel with not a clue of where to go. She dreams of becoming someone, of becoming famous. And not because of the normal reasons someone wants to become famous but because by being famous people would hear her story. They would hear her constant struggle with anxiety and depression. How she suffers everyday in a body that just wants to quit because arthritis has invaded every joint in her body. How she has always felt on the outside but no matter what kept going. She wants to be famous to help the ones out there who suffer too. Who wake up in the morning and wish they never had. To show them they can conquer any of their demons and that life is worth all this pain. She dreams of the day her story will save others. But often that dream becomes dark when she thinks of how she will never be good enough. When she stares at that piece of paper and that sense of magic doesn’t spark her fingers to start to type, she wonders if she even has the talent to cause people to want to hear her. She’s just a girl trying to fit into a world she will never belong in. Because, the world today wasn’t built for people like her. Wasn’t made for the ones with creativity in their heart, the ones who believe in magic and love. The world today crushes the people who are like her, crushes people who are different. But people who are different are people who are special. They are the ones who can change the world, they are the ones that bring that sense of magic into others lives. Who can turn the dark and grey into a rainbow and a frown into a smile. Sadly, too often society wins and these people who could have done so much, are consumed by the dark reality and that spark of magic in them goes out, never to be lit again. She is caught between the special person she is and the person society wishes for her to become. Stuck between the two, fighting to keep the magic in her alive. But magic doesn’t pay the bills, magic doesn’t get you a house, magic can’t feed a family. How can magic survive in a world that is designed to kill creativity. How can she continue to believe in mythicality and childhood dreams when her life calls for her to grow up and forget those silly fantasies. So she continues to be stuck in between, still on the outside, yearning for the day she realizes that being on the outside is better than being consumed on the inside. The day she realizes how lucky she is to be different in such a cookie-cutter world and that day she will unlock the special power within and ignite a flame that no one will ever be able to stomp out.