I am scared to grow up. There, I said it. I said the 6 words that i’m sure is on many of your minds. I am scared to grow up. And it’s pretty funny to say that when I think back to being a teenager who couldn’t wait to grow up. When we’re children, especially teenagers we have this weird habit of wanting to be an adult. We think once we’re an adult everything bad in our lives will magically vanish and everything will just fall in place. Boy were we wrong. It’s only when you are an adult that you realize your middle school/ high school years were some of the best and simplest years of your life. Sure, you had to worry about homework but you didn’t have to stress about if you have enough money for the bills this month or work 9-5 every day in a job you can’t stand. As an adult you have to worry about so many more things than your younger self had to. I think back to being a teenager and wonder why I was in such a rush to grow up. Why I didn’t cherish more of those moments. It’s crazy to think how fast time flies. It’s unreal to me that i’m going to be 23 this year and married! It still seems like yesterday I was a high schooler! And when I think about all the adult stuff that will be coming to my life soon; buying a home, getting married, having a child; I won’t lie, it terrifies me. Now don’t get me wrong, it also makes me very excited. For many years now I’ve known the only thing I definitely wanted to be is a wife and mother. Coming from a broken family, that picture of a happy family with two loving parents and 4 beautiful children has always been in my mind and it’s crazy to think that vision of mine could become a reality…but it’s also scary! I think what scares me the most is the same fear that has kept me from so much and still keeps me from so much..the fear of failure. The fear of not being good enough, not being able to be the best wife and mother because of my mental and physical illnesses. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I hate the person I am. I hate that I have to deal with these mental and physical illnesses that make normal day things so much harder for me. I hate how my anxiety keeps me from driving, from having a real job, and even from going certain places. I hate how my joints and muscles ache every day making simple tasks like walking up stairs or brushing my hair hard to accomplish. On many days I feel like a burden, my depression and twisted mind constantly make me believe everyone would be better off without me. I try to fight my mental illness and physical illnesses, refusing to accept them…but that’s the problem. I learned something quite recently, or more like my therapist said something to me recently that really made me think. She told me that I need to learn to embrace and accept my illnesses for what they are instead of constantly fighting them. In other words, it’s okay for me to have these feelings and I need to acknowledge them. Instead of putting myself down I need to understand that these illnesses are what makes me who I am. They are the reason I’m so caring, the reason I feel emotions and feelings more deeply than others. Though on days these things feel like curses, they are actually blessings. So going back to the first sentence of this whole thing, yea I am scared of growing up. But just because i’m scared doesn’t mean I’m not ready to be an adult. Change is difficult and it’s even more difficult for someone with anxiety but it’s also a beautiful thing. Change is what turns a caterpillar into butterfly and turns green leaves into bright colors of red and orange. And change is what will allow you to begin the next chapter of your life. Without change, there would be no growth. As much as I think of my childhood and teenage years and all those memories made, I know I would not go back if i had the chance. Because those years are gone and it’s time for me to sprout my wings and become the person I was put on this earth to be. So to anyone reading this who is also scared to grow up i have this to say. One, it’s okay to be scared. I think we are taught in this society that we aren’t allowed to have those feelings but that’s not true. It’s okay to be scared to grow up but just know that though it is scary, you are going to be fine. And two, just because you have to become an adult doesn’t mean that you have to let go of your youth. Just be yourself and continue to be yourself no matter how old you become because as long as you’re still you and you still do the things you enjoy, well than growing up doesn’t become so scary now, does it?
Until next time my darlings,
Kaylee D. ❤
Life as Kaylee 