My blog has moved

Hi friends. I just wanted to say thank you for all the support on here. I truly appreciate it. I have made the decision to move my blog to a new platform, Wix, and basically start over due to changes in my life. If you would like to go follow me over there, my new website is http://www.Chronicallykaylee.com. If not, I understand and I just want to say thank you again.

I have upgraded my blog!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you all know that I have made the decision to go from this free wordpress blog to a paid wordpress blog. Due to this, I will no longer be posting on this website. I just want to thank all of you who enjoyed this content and followed me. You guys gave me the courage to really pursue blogging as more than just some hobby. I hope you all will follow my new blog, http://www.lifeaskayleexox.com. I apologize in advance for any content that I post that is a repeat from this blog (such as my poetry) but promise you there will be a ton of new content as well. If you don’t wish to follow my new blog, I completely understand and wish you nothing but the best. Thank you all again for the support since I created lifeaskaylee24. Every like and comment truly meant the world to me and helped me to build my confidence as not only a writer but in general as well. 🙂

With lots of love,

Kaylee D. ❤

Anxiety is a seed

Let’s think of anxiety as a seed

We are all born with this seed inside of us

For some people it will remain just that, a seed, for many many years

For a very lucky few, that seed may never change into anything else

But for the majority, that seed will remain a seed until a major trauma causes that seed to be buried

Often, this occurs at a young age

For instance, your parents divorcing as a child

This event has now caused the seed within to be buried or in other words, planted inside of you

Once again the seed will remain dormant as it waits for the necessary ingredients needed to grow

However, this seed has now become a ticking time bomb and the effects of the seed have already begun to show

For some, years go by, for others, mere months before the seed has enough nutrients that it can take root.

Usually, another big trauma will be what causes this little seed to finally sprout roots

For instance, the death of a close loved one

Now that the seed has rooted, each trauma, whether big or small, acts as water, sunshine and soil, helping the seed to grow and grow.

Bullying, abusive relationships, invalidations, disappointments, all are ingredients that help the seed to grow

Every tear that falls from your eyes is the equivalent of water being poured from a watering can

Slowly, the seed becomes a plant, and small leaves begin to sprout

These leaves are depression and the more nutrients the seed gets, the more leaves sprout

For some people, there are so many leaves, the entire plant is engulfed in them

For others, the leaves remain so small they don’t interfere with their life

And for those unlucky few, the leaves remain at an equal amount as the rest of the plant

As your life continues, slowly the plant grows larger and larger until it becomes so big, it has taken over every piece of your body.

That one little seed has now become a huge plant inhabiting each limb, each joint

Wrapping around your heart and your mind

When this happens, you can no longer ignore the plant inside of you for it is absorbing all your energy, all your happiness

The plant is so large it is blocking the light, swallowing all the joy in your life and replacing it with nothing but fear and sadness

Everything you do it affected by the monster plant that lives inside of you

And the only way to cut the plant down is to face all that made it grow in the first place

In order to kill the plant, you must forgive all the ones who did you wrong, all the people who made you cry

You must let go of everything from your past that helped the beast grow

You must overwhelm the plant with true pure light until it’s so bright, the plant begins to shrivel and die

By doing this, slowly the plant will wilt and piece by piece, fall apart

Until finally, there is nothing left of it except for that one little seed, lying dormant underneath the dirt

Waiting to once again take root within you

But you know now what it takes for that seed to grow

So let me ask you this, will you allow the seed to grow again?

I am scared to grow up…and that’s okay

I am scared to grow up. There, I said it. I said the 6 words that i’m sure is on many of your minds. I am scared to grow up. And it’s pretty funny to say that when I think back to being a teenager who couldn’t wait to grow up. When we’re children, especially teenagers we have this weird habit of wanting to be an adult. We think once we’re an adult everything bad in our lives will magically vanish and everything will just fall in place. Boy were we wrong. It’s only when you are an adult that you realize your middle school/ high school years were some of the best and simplest years of your life. Sure, you had to worry about homework but you didn’t have to stress about if you have enough money for the bills this month or work 9-5 every day in a job you can’t stand. As an adult you have to worry about so many more things than your younger self had to. I think back to being a teenager and wonder why I was in such a rush to grow up. Why I didn’t cherish more of those moments. It’s crazy to think how fast time flies. It’s unreal to me that i’m going to be 23 this year and married! It still seems like yesterday I was a high schooler! And when I think about all the adult stuff that will be coming to my life soon; buying a home, getting married, having a child; I won’t lie, it terrifies me. Now don’t get me wrong, it also makes me very excited. For many years now I’ve known the only thing I definitely wanted to be is a wife and mother. Coming from a broken family, that picture of a happy family with two loving parents and 4 beautiful children has always been in my mind and it’s crazy to think that vision of mine could become a reality…but it’s also scary! I think what scares me the most is the same fear that has kept me from so much and still keeps me from so much..the fear of failure. The fear of not being good enough, not being able to be the best wife and mother because of my mental and physical illnesses. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I hate the person I am. I hate that I have to deal with these mental and physical illnesses that make normal day things so much harder for me. I hate how my anxiety keeps me from driving, from having a real job, and even from going certain places. I hate how my joints and muscles ache every day making simple tasks like walking up stairs or brushing my hair hard to accomplish. On many days I feel like a burden, my depression and twisted mind constantly make me believe everyone would be better off without me. I try to fight my mental illness and physical illnesses, refusing to accept them…but that’s the problem. I learned something quite recently, or more like my therapist said something to me recently that really made me think. She told me that I need to learn to embrace and accept my illnesses for what they are instead of constantly fighting them. In other words, it’s okay for me to have these feelings and I need to acknowledge them. Instead of putting myself down I need to understand that these illnesses are what makes me who I am. They are the reason I’m so caring, the reason I feel emotions and feelings more deeply than others. Though on days these things feel like curses, they are actually blessings. So going back to the first sentence of this whole thing, yea I am scared of growing up. But just because i’m scared doesn’t mean I’m not ready to be an adult. Change is difficult and it’s even more difficult for someone with anxiety but it’s also a beautiful thing. Change is what turns a caterpillar into butterfly and turns green leaves into bright colors of red and orange. And change is what will allow you to begin the next chapter of your life. Without change, there would be no growth. As much as I think of my childhood and teenage years and all those memories made, I know I would not go back if i had the chance. Because those years are gone and it’s time for me to sprout my wings and become the person I was put on this earth to be. So to anyone reading this who is also scared to grow up i have this to say. One, it’s okay to be scared. I think we are taught in this society that we aren’t allowed to have those feelings but that’s not true. It’s okay to be scared to grow up but just know that though it is scary, you are going to be fine. And two, just because you have to become an adult doesn’t mean that you have to let go of your youth. Just be yourself and continue to be yourself no matter how old you become because as long as you’re still you and you still do the things you enjoy, well than growing up doesn’t become so scary now, does it?

Until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤

Theatre family is forever

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I was busy pretty much every day helping out at my old high school with the drama production. This is something I do every single year for every show and I can’t even begin to express how happy it makes me to have this opportunity. Last night was their final performance of Fiddler on the Roof and I won’t lie, I was crying just like all the kids were. Since it’s a high school show, the last performance also marks the last show on that stage for the Seniors so it’s always an emotional night. It’s crazy to think I’ve watched these kids grow up through theater and now some of them are graduating! You would think it would get easier each year but it just gets harder and harder since I’ve spent more and more time with each grade. I even asked my old director, who is honestly like a mentor to me, how he keeps it together every year. His response was that he just gets used to it but I don’t think I would ever get used to it. Still though, I know for sure I would love to direct middle/high school drama productions in the future. Few things bring me as much joy as helping out with these shows every year. I’ve had numerous people ask me why I go back and help out. They don’t understand why I still dedicate so much of my time to my old high school theater program but to that I simply answer because I love it. I help because of the kids, because I love all those kids way to much and watching them grow from their audition to their last performance is truly an amazing thing. I also go back because this is what I want to do. Sure, my old director literally drives me crazy sometimes but through everything I’m always learning so much from him. He pushes me to be the best person I can be and that’s why he is so much more to me than just my old director. He’s even coming to and singing at my wedding! Even typing this I feel upset knowing tomorrow after work I won’t be heading to rehearsal. I won’t lie, I do miss the stage. Performing had always been such a huge part of my life so when that pretty much came to an end, it was almost like a piece of me went missing. Unless you’ve been a part of a drama production, you don’t fully understand the bond you create within theatre. Every time I go back to help and I hear the kids shout my name in excitement when I walk through the door, I’m reminded that drama family truly is for life. As much as I want to one day move away from here, sometimes I think about staying because I want my children to experience the close-knit school community that both me and my fiancé grew up in, especially when it comes to theatre. It’s almost certain my old director will be at this school for many, many years to come and to think my children could learn from him as I have, well that is truly an amazing thing to think about. I still can’t believe it’s been 4 years since my last performance on my high school stage. It seems like just yesterday I was standing in that chorus room as I did my last psych circle as a high school student. Theatre will always have a spot and my heart and I’m happy to know I will be a member of my old high school theater’s department for life.  So my advice to anyone reading this who is still in high school is simply this, cherish every single moment. Take photographs, take video, and keep a diary because years from now, you are going to be happy you have those memories documented. Those are the memories you will never want to forget and the memories that you will cherish for years to come. Oh and for any Senior who does theatre who is reading this remember, it isn’t goodbye, only see you later.

Until next time my lovelies,

Kaylee D ❤

Creative people are real-life superheros

I feel like my creative mind is trapped within the bounds of reality.

What do I mean by that?

I mean everyday I’m forced to push the creative sparks within my mind away in order to focus on the bore of day to day work. Instead of working on my novel, I’m forced to do mindless work in front of a computer screen that always seems too bright.

Instead of creating and than editing a video when I get home from my boring job, I have to do homework for classes I couldn’t care less about. It always seems my passions must wait so that “reality” things can be done. As I sit at a job I’m getting paid way too little to do, my mind starts to wander to all the things I rather be doing. It’s funny, my therapist said early on in our sessions that she could just tell if I’m not in a career where I can be creative while also helping other, humans and/or animals, I will not be happy. She couldn’t be more right. I’m not the type of person who can handle a same, every day, boring 9-5 job. Each day, between work and school, I can feel the creativity fire within me dim as the problems of the real world overcrowd it. I pray every day that my life will lead me down a path where I can be happy and creative but also successful. Where instead of waking up with knots in my tummy dreading the day ahead, I wake up excited for what this new day has in store.

I’ve spoke of this before and I’ll say it again here, today’s world is not built for creative people. We are the outcasts, the one’s with so many passions it’s impossible to just pick one. The ones who refuse to let their special spark die no matter how many times life throws water at it. But we are also the ones who have the power to bring magic and joy into an otherwise dark world. In a society overcome with pain, darkness and sadness, we are the one’s who can bring light. Think of the creative people that have brought joy to you. The one’s who found the way to use this beautiful power to help others. Actors, authors, directors, singers, etc. Now think about where they all started. They all began in the same place you and I are in right now. They began with a creative spark in their heart, a spark that continued to grow and grow. They began as young men and woman with a dream and a passion to bring their magic into other’s lives. All with a drive so strong that nothing and no one could keep them from accomplishing their goals, no matter how much they would try. If they can succeed, you can too. Us creative people truly are superheros. Don’t ever let anything or anyone take that power away. Hold onto the magic inside of you despite the challenges the real world brings. And finally, remember the only difference between you and the creative people you inspire to be is that they never gave up. Don’t ever give up.

Until next time my lovelies,

Kaylee D ❤

 

Why I’ve been MIA for awhile

Hey everyone! It seems like it’s been forever since I last posted something and I felt I should explain to you all why I haven’t been posting much. For the last month and a half, I was dealing with a lot of stomach issues. I’ve always had stomach problems, I mean who here with anxiety doesn’t, but things got really bad and fast. Around the middle of January, I found myself unable to really eat anything. When I did eat, I would feel so extremely nausea right after that I would have to lie down for fear of throwing up/passing out. This went on for awhile before I finally got to see a gastrologist. He decided we should do a colonoscopy and scheduled it for that Monday but later that night, I wound up in the ER for the first time. This caused it to be pushed up to that Friday. Well my hope was after going through the prep from hell, seriously it almost killed me, and than the procedure itself, they would be able to tell me what was wrong and my nightmare would be over…nope. That Monday I found myself even in worse shape than before and come that Thursday, I was once again in the ER in pain and sick to my stomach. The colonoscopy results arrived that same day and to my shock, came back normal. I thought for sure with all the pain I was in it would show colitis or crohns but nope, a completely normal colon. My gastrologist decided I needed to get an endoscopy done so that next morning I found myself in the same procedure room being knocked out for a second time to hopefully finally find out what was wrong. Thankfully, the endoscopy did show something, well actually two things. For one, I had gastritis. He said my stomach was so inflamed it was no wonder I felt so sick. It also showed I have a hiatal hernia. This was a shock to me and at first I was really scared but the doctor explained it just meant my stomach is pushed up and with the right medication I shouldn’t have problems in the future. It was only after finally getting the right medication that I was able to eat and feel better. After almost three weeks of barley being able to eat, I am finally back to a semi-normal diet. Of course all these physical illnesses did a number to my mental health and I found myself not only very depressed but also dissociating a lot more than normal. Now I’ve always had days where I would not feel real and feel like I was in a dream but since being sick, it’s been pretty constant. But overall, I am doing so much better, both physically and mentally. I do plan to go back to therapy and possible start an anti-anxiety medication to help with the overwhelming anxiety I seem to have all the time now but  hopefully, (fingers crossed), this is the start to my recovery both physical and mental. I really want to dedicate much more time to both this blog and my soon to be created Youtube channel so don’t be surprised if you begin to see many more posts from me 🙂 Thanks for reading and enjoy your day!

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

 

 

Do you know what’s it like to feel like you’re constantly in a dream?

Do you know what’s it like to feel like you’re constantly in a dream?
To look in a mirror and have no connection with the face looking back at you?
Can you imagine the frustration one might feel when nothing around them even feels real?
I do. I know the feeling because I suffer from that feeling all the time. The feeling of being in a fog or trapped inside a fishbowl, shielded from the rest of the world. And no matter how hard you try to tell your brain your real and this is real, it doesn’t make a difference. The people around you, strangers and loved ones alike all look just a little off now. Your surroundings have a dream-like aura to them and you feel like you’re going crazy. You just want to lock yourself in your room, away from the rest of the world until you start to feel normal again. Lights seem much brighter than usual, causing your eyes and head to hurt. Your hands don’t even resemble your hands anymore but instead hands of a stranger you once knew so well but now can’t recognize. You look in the mirror but the tired face looking back at you doesn’t look like your own. No, you don’t recognize those brown eyes filled with emotion. It’s like looking at a photograph of someone you don’t know yet deep down you know that it’s you. You start to fact check yourself within your mind. Stating your name, your birth date, your fiance’s name, your future wedding date. You begin to panic because even though you’ve answered those questions just fine now, you’re scared one day you won’t remember. You don’t feel like a person anymore but instead a robot, going through the motions. Your voice even sounds weird and the words your mouth produce feel programmed and unrecognizable. Living like this isn’t living, it’s just existing. You wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again and as the days turn into weeks you start to fear that this time this feeling won’t leave and you’ll be trapped as a living zombie for the rest of your life. You want to smile and be happy but you can’t shake the feeling. You cry and scream out but how can anyone understand? If you even told anyone they would think you were crazy. How can one not feel real? How can one not feel a connection to their self? Yet, that is how I feel. Looking in from the outside on my life. Feeling trapped within my mind and knowing no way to break free. Will I ever break free?

A little bit of positive thinking can go a long way

“Stay Strong my darlings”

So this past week has honestly been one of the hardest weeks mentally that I’ve gone through. It seemed like my anxiety was on hyper drive and my depression was just as bad. Almost every night I was breaking down in tears, hating myself and just wishing for the pain to end. Living with anxiety, depression, and arthritis at only 22 years old is not an easy task. It not only makes your life a living nightmare but also effects the lives of the ones closest to you. This past Thursday I saw how badly me hurting was hurting my fiancé and it killed me. To see the person you love more than anything so worried about you touches your heart in ways I can’t even begin to explain . But things didn’t start to get better until my I guess you could say revelation last night.

I woke up Friday morning a mess, to put it plainly. My stomach was all messed up and all I wanted to do was cry. Earlier in the week, Tom wound up taking me to Urgent care because my blood pressure was 88/60. I’ve been feeling really sick lately, having bouts of light headedness and just feeling off. My head has felt foggy and congested as well, causing my dissociation to be extremely bad. When I was at the doctors, they took a urine sample and came back to tell me there was evidence of ketones. She than explained to me that keatones form when the body isn’t receiving the glucose it needs and goes into starvation mode. Turns out my low blood pressure and dizziness was due to being dehydrated and pretty much starving. She told me the amount of stress I’m under is causing me to lose weight and therefore my body needs more fluid and food than usual. Doesn’t help that my depression has caused me to not want to eat anything so I wasn’t eating nearly the amount my body needed. I was sent home with the instructions to take care of myself and learn how to control my stress. I guess it didn’t hit me how bad this was getting until my fiancé broke down with me and told me how scared and worried he was about me. After he headed to work Friday, I decided I would use that day to rest and feel better. I worked on making new images for the new Thirty-one products coming out, watched some TV, took a walk with my grandma and the dogs, and just spent time bettering myself. By 5 o clock I was doing better but still wasn’t 100%. My mom came to get me since we were heading to the nearby community theater to see a show but before we left, she showed me my wedding tiara that arrived in the mail. It was even more beautiful than the picture online and I was amazed at how perfect it looked. After stopping at my moms briefly to see the dogs, we headed to the theater to see Next to Normal. Here is where the night took a bad turn.

For those of you who don’t know, Next to Normal is a musical about this woman who has bipolar and her family. I won’t spoil anything about the musical itself but I will say it’s a darker musical and one with a heavy message about mental illness. With the week I was having, I should have known better but I wanted to see it because it’s one of my favorite shows. Well I don’t know what it was, probably a mixture of not feeling well and the show itself but as soon as the show began, my body began to shake. I shook the entire first half of the musical. By intermission, I felt sick and wanted to leave. For some reason, we stayed and sure enough, as act 2 began, the shaking came right back and I felt even worse. If it wasn’t for the fact to leave I would have to cross the stage, I would have left before the first song of act 2 was even over but I was forced to stay. Somehow, I made it through the rest of the show and when I got in the car, I broke down in tears. The shaking had completely stopped but I felt awful.  Once again those negative thoughts returned to my mind. The thoughts of never changing, always being this way, never living the life I want because of my illnesses clouded my mind. The whole car ride to Toms my mom talked to me about needing to think positive. When I got home, I still felt defeated and sick and pretty much just went to bed.

Around 3 AM, my stomach woke me up. The shaking returned and I was constantly running to the bathroom in pain and sick. It was after the fourth time of running to the bathroom, feeling dissociated and sick that something in me snapped and I said out loud enough is enough. One of my resolutions is to bring God back into my life and at that moment I said “God I can not do this on my own, I can not keep being like this, I am putting my faith in you, I am putting myself into your hands”. Almost instantly the shaking stopped. Now I’m not someone to normally be spiritual but at that moment I felt the presence of God wash over me and the pain suddenly was gone and I was able to go back to my room, watch some friends and fall back to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, that sense of warmth was still with me. What was also with me was the sense of positivity. My mom was right. The way I am, the way I think is always negative. I need to start thinking positive and looking at the good in the bad. Yes I have a ton to stress about right now but instead of focusing on that, I need to focus on the good in my life and the steps I need to take to achieve the goal I desire that will therefore lower my stress level. Now I know this is not easy. I have failed many times but something in my heart tells me this time will be different. I plan to bring back the top 4 moments of my week to my blog every Sunday because I feel that is a way for me to focus on the good moments of my week and not on the bad ones. I also started a gratitude journal where at the end of the day I write 4 things I’m thankful for. This is another way to focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. I know I have a long, rough journey ahead of me but another thing I’m starting to come to terms with is maybe, just maybe my anxiety, depression, and arthritis isn’t a curse. What I mean is these things make me, me and if I didn’t have them, than I wouldn’t be who I am today. I need to start not only accepting my illnesses but also embracing them and learning how to shed some positive light on what is otherwise negative things. I started this blog to not only have an outlet for myself but also as a way to remind anyone else out there suffering that they are not alone. So I’ll end this post with simply saying, to all those who feel broken, who feel like there is no hope and they will never get past this, you are strong, you are amazing, and no matter what this crazy world throws at you, you will overcome it and everything will work out. Please continue to stay strong and no matter what, never stop fighting. Life is a precious gift and nothing in this world is worth giving that gift away ❤

11 Things I do when anxiety and/or depression mess with my mind

Suffering with anxiety and depression since I was in middle school, I’ve slowly learned different things that I can do that helps ease my mind. Specifically if I’m having a really bad day due to my depression, I have a list of things I can do that usually help cheer me up and relax. So for today’s blog post, I thought it would be nice to share my list of things I do when my depression and anxiety are acting up in hopes that maybe something on my list will help others out there suffering too.

1. Listen to music

So the first thing I tend to do is one that I think many people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety do as well, listen to music. Music truly has a way of relaxing your mind and healing you. When I’m really not feeling okay, I put on my headphones and start listening to music on Spotify. This past Christmas my mom got me the beats solo 3 headphones in white and than also got me Disney tsum tsum skin it for them! These have became my all time favorite headphones and I do not leave the house without them! The music I listen to tends to change but for the last couple months my go to album is Taylor Swift’s Reputation. I’m literally obsessed with every song on this album and something about her music just makes me feel better. I’ve always been a Taylor Swift fan but there’s just something with her new music that really appeals to me. I also recently saw The Greatest Showman and that entire soundtrack has now also been my go to when I’m not feeling right. There are multiple songs on that album that are so inspiring! Specifically, This is me and A million Dreams! It’s not uncommon for me to just have these two songs play over and over because I never get tired of listening to them!

2. Take a hot shower

If I’m feeling really anxious or really out of it, the first thing I normally want to do is take a shower. There’s just something about being in the shower, alone with my thoughts that is strangely comforting. Recently I found out that if I sit down in the shower and let the hot water pour over me almost like rain, it’s very relaxing. The mixture of the hot water, the sound the water makes and the feel of the water hitting my skin creates a calming atmosphere. A lot of times I’ll sit down and just breathe slowly, clearing my mind of anything other than that moment. It’s a weird type of meditation method but it usually helps. Most of the time, I walk out of the shower feeling much more relaxed.

3. Watch YouTube videos

I honestly feel like YouTube was one of the best creations. Not only did it create a new outlet for people to get their voice out there and become famous, but it also created a platform for people to watch videos of all different kinds. My favorite YouTube channel is definitely Good Mythical Morning. Rhett and Link have become idols to me and I know if I’m ever feeling depressed or anxious, I can just watch their videos and instantly I feel better. They never fail to make me smile and laugh with all the crazy things they do on their show. Other YouTubers that I tend to watch when I’m feeling out of it include Jenna Marbles, JonTron, Kalyn Nicholson, Rooster Teeth, and Funhaus. I’m always so inspired by YouTubers and hope this is the year I finally grow enough courage to create a channel of my own.

4. Write anything

When I say anything, I mean anything. If I’m anxious or depressed, writing always helps to calm my mind. Whether it’s working on one of the novels I’m writing, writing a new poem, journaling, or even just writing down my favorite quotes, writing is very therapeutic for me. My dream is to be an author one day so writing is obviously very important in my life. Getting my thoughts down on paper specifically though really does help calm my mind and take the edge off, most of the time.

5. Organize/clean the room

At the moment, my fiancé and I live between both his house and my grandma’s house. It’s exhausting and gets really hard pretty much living through a bag. Due to this, I get very stressed out over the whole situation and both his room and my room tend to get very cluttered and unorganized. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I often will reorganize and straighten up my surroundings. I honestly believe it’s true that when your place is a mess, your life tends to be one too. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re surrounded by junk and you keep losing your stuff because there is no organization. Straightening up whatever room I’m in that day really does help ease my mind, even if it’s only a temporary fix. I also tend to listen to my music while cleaning which helps even more.

6. Watch a TV Show

Lately I’ve been obsessed with watching South Park. When I was younger, I swore I would never like a show like this but Tom got me hooked and now I can’t stop watching. A lot of times if I’m feeling depressed, Tom and I will watch a few episodes of South Park to cheer me up. You can’t help but laugh at the things Cartman and his friends go through on that show. Another show I’ll tend to watch is Jersey Shore. I loved Jersey Shore when it first aired and now years later I decided to re-watch the entire series before the reunion special this summer! Sometimes this helps but other times watching this show just reminds me of the past and who I used to be when this show first aired and it makes me feel worse so this isn’t always the best option to cheer me up.

7. Play a video game

Playing video games is one of the best stress relievers I have found out there. Especially if it’s a game where your character can fight things, lol. My go to game right now is South Park’s Fractured But Whole. The game is a lot of fun and centers around fighting other characters so if I’m really anxious, playing this game definitely helps to take the edge off.

8. Color or draw

I can’t be the only one who was psyched when adult coloring books became a thing. I loved coloring when I was little and love it even more now that I’m an adult. If I’m feeling anxious, pulling out one of my many adult coloring books and my set of fine point markers always helps to calm my mind. If I’m feeling particularly ambitious,  I may pull out my sketch book instead and actually draw and color my own picture. Either way, coloring and drawing lets me escape from reality for just a little while.

9. Punch my punching bag

I have wanted a punching bag for years now and this past Christmas Tom actually bought me one, complete with pink boxing gloves. Not only is punching a great exercise routine but it’s an amazing stress relief. If I’m angry, anxious, or just not feeling okay, I put on my gloves and punch the crap out of the bag. Unfortunately, my bag is at my grandma’s so I can only do this when I’m there. When I’m there though, this technique always helps me and I walk away feeling much better than I did before I began punching.

10. Create a Perler Bead creation

I love Perler beads. I loved them when I was little and now that I’m older, I enjoy creating more difficult creations. There is something extremely relaxing to me when I am creating a new perler bead creation. If I didn’t suffer from back pain from being hunched over for so long, I would create so many more creations than I do now. Still though, this is one of my go to tips when I’m feeling super anxious.

11. Read a book

Unfortunately I don’t have much time to read like I used to. I’ve always loved reading though so if I’m feeling out of it or anxious, picking up a book usually helps to calm my mind. Escaping to another world and leaving the stress of reality for even just a little while does wonders. I think this is the main reason I dream of being an author. Of creating a book that helps others escape from their life for just a little bit. Some authors that inspire me include J.K Rowling, Dean Koontz, and Stephen King.

 

So there you have it, the 11 things that I do to help when I’m feeling depressed or anxious. Of course this list will probably grow as time goes on but for right now, these 11 things usually help me. I hope you enjoyed this post and if there is any tip or trick you may have, feel free to comment below! I’d love to hear how others deal with depression and anxiety! Thanks again for reading! 😀

I bought my wedding gown!!!

I bought my wedding dress today!!!

Ahhh! So today I finally bought my wedding dress!! Even typing those words feel unreal to me! To update all of you just a little, this was the very first dress I tried on back in July! Shortly after getting home from vacation, my mom and I took a trip to David’s Bridal to look at wedding gowns. After describing my style to the sales woman, she pulled a bunch of different dresses for me to try on. As soon as I walked out in the first dress I knew I found my gown. Every bit of it was beyond perfect and everything I dreamed of for my wedding gown! Of course I tried on other dresses but no dress compared to that first one. Even the sales person said when I walked out in that dress, I just glowed. About two weeks later we returned to Davids bridal with my maid of honor, my future sister and mother in law, my grandma and my dad’s ex wife who is like a sister to me. (Yes I know that’s weird but that’s honestly the case) Once again, I tried on a bunch of dresses and than put my dress back on. Every one gasped when I walked out of those doors and agreed this gown was made for me. Once they put a veil and tiara on my head and had me walk down the hall of mirrors, my maid of honor even began to cry! Now here we are 6 months later and I put that dress on for the third time in front of everyone who saw it before plus two of my other bridesmaids. This time putting on that dress felt even different because this time Tom and I have a date set, a venue, and our wedding is almost 9 months away! I immediately teared up, which I knew was going to happen. David’s bridal has a tradition where when you find your dress you make a wish and ring a bell. Words can’t describe how happy I was ringing that bell today! After I rang the bell, my girls and I looked for their dresses and we actually found the perfect dresses for them too! So overall, today has been a super successful day and it’s a weight lifted off my shoulder knowing myself and my girls have our dresses ordered! 😀 #280daystillIsayIdo!

So stressed out!

To say I’m stressed out right now is an understatement! I don’t remember the last time I was under this much stress! Why am I stressed you ask? Well…

1. Work/money

Being a student worker again means I’m being paid minimum wage instead of the $19 an hour I was getting paid to do pretty much the same exact fucking job! To make matters worse, now that we’re combined with Financial Aid, I have a new boss and since she is so close with the other student workers, that means I’m at the bottom of the damn totem poll, even though I’ve been there for 4 years!! I am not being paid nearly enough to deal with the bullshit I have to deal with now! The fact that I have a set schedule and a set lunch time is stupid to me because no other student workers in any other offices have that! But the biggest problem is going from $600 paychecks every two weeks to now less than $300 every two weeks. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to manage my normal bills let alone save money for the wedding, a house and our honeymoon! So needless to say, I need another or a new job ASAP, so of course that is on top of my stressing list.

2. School

I’m not as stressed about this as I was yesterday but I’m still slightly stressing. Yesterday was a total shit show, to put it plainly. After finally feeling like I studied enough to take my math placement test again, after failing it by 2 points 2 years ago, I was really angry to find NOTHING that was recommended to study was on the stupid thing. So of course when I walked out of the test I wasn’t confident at all that a 78 score would be high enough for the math class I needed to take. One thing I forgot to mention is that I originally was suppose to have one class on campus Tuesdays and Thursdays but of course this class was cancelled due to low enrollment which meant I couldn’t graduate this semester with my performing arts degree. As much as this sucked, I knew I could still graduate with a General Studies degree and now I could find a full time job somewhere because I wouldn’t have school to worry about. But if I couldn’t get into this online math course, I would be fucked because there would be no way I could graduate with any associates degree without it. I returned to work an upset mess, terrified I wouldn’t graduate after all of this work. To make matters even worse, I had to wait to talk to admissions before I could even attempt to register and as I was waiting for them, over an hour wait, the class suddenly said full! Well this was just enough to send me over the edge and I burst into tears. I cried on more than one of my coworkers shoulders and now looking back I am so thankful for these women at my job that have become my adopted aunts. I finally pulled myself together, with some help from my fiancé reminding me that everything was going to be okay because I’m the love of his life and he will make sure everything works out, god he is so sweet. After another 45 minute wait, I finally got to sit with my counselor in the admissions office just to learn yes I can take the class but unfortunately it is full and I will just have to wait till summer. Going back to work defeated I knew my only chance was if some kid got dropped from the class for non payment. I asked my supervisor when the next drop would be so I knew when I should look. She decided to pull up the class to see if anyone registered in the class was on her drop list and by a freaking MIRACLE the class now had a spot opened! I have never ran as fast I did right than to my computer to finally register for this damn math class! So after all the back and forth, running around like a chicken without a head and a hot mess, I finally got into the last class I need to at least graduate with a general studies associates degree in may. So stress should be gone right, wrong! Now I have all the stress of taking both this math course, I can’t stand math, and Spanish 2 online! Thankfully my fiancé has an associates in math and can help me but still! The fact that classes start again Tuesday gives me a headache!

3. House

I think I’ve made it clear by now that my only goal this year is to buy a house. Living between two houses is exhausting and is the reason I am so disorganized and keep losing things! I seriously need my own space and can not wait for the day I don’t have to pack overnight bags or can’t wear a certain outfit because I forgot it at the other house. But to get a house means to make more money and well we are already aware how stressful that fact is making me!

4. Anything to do with the Wedding

By this I mean the wedding itself, the bachelorette party, the honeymoon and everything in between! Now don’t get me wrong, some of this is good stress and excitement but the finance side of it all is very stressful! The other thing that is stressful is the fear of everyone getting along and working together. Unlike probably traditional brides, my mom is a HUGE part of this wedding and everything to do with it. However, her ideas and my maid of honor ideas now and than clash and that is never good. I just hope everyone will listen to what I want and not fight. I’m only going to get married once and I don’t want to remember nothing but drama when I think back to the months leading up to the wedding, which by the way my wedding will be 9 months away Jan. 28th! Holy crap!!!

5. Driving

This is a given and never seems to go away. I was doing so well and now I’m back to how I was, scared to drive. If I could just drive like a normal human being, so much of my stress would go away! Ugh!!!

So yea, those are just the top 5 things I am stressing about at the moment. Others include the normal run of the mill anxiety fears, including this whole flu epidemic that apparently is happening. I know stress is a normal part of life but there is only so much stress this 22 year old girl can take before she breaks! I know I need to just learn to relax and take deep breaths but right now that is just too hard for me to do! I need to do something though because I don’t know how much more I can handle. This is supposed to be the best year of my life but January has been nothing but stress and hardships. Every time it seemed like things were turning away, something else happened and I got pushed back down. I feel like I’m at rock bottom again but I just need to tell myself I can only go up from here.

2 steps forward, 3 steps back

2 steps forward, 3 steps back

2 steps forward, 3 steps back

Seems to be how it always is

As soon as I start feeling happy and begin looking on the brightside

Something always comes to knock me back down

It gets to the point I don’t know why I continue to try

Why do I try to be positive when I know life is going to just toss me to the ground?

Why do I smile and laugh when I know life will cause me to cry?

I fight my depression and anxiety every day but there is only so much strength I have in me

How many times must I be knocked down before I don’t have the strength to get back up?

I’m hurting, feeling broken every day but force to put on a smile and pretend everything is alright

Everyone just tells me to focus on the good in my life and less on what is wrong but don’t they understand my brain is just not wired that way?

Don’t they understand I would give anything not to carry the dark shadow on my shoulder that is depression with me everywhere I go?

A shadow that blocks the good from my view but illuminates the bad

Don’t they understand the words they say just make me feel worse, make me feel guilty

Make me feel like i’m nothing but an ungrateful bitch who can’t see how good I have it, no matter how hard I try.

“Why are you depressed?” They ask, like there ever is a reason

“What caused your depression to return this time?” They question, like it ever even left in the first place

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to live like this

I think back to the days of my childhood

The days before anxiety and depression inhabited my body

What I wouldn’t give to be that girl again

To be that smiley little kid without a care in the world, who always saw the good

But I know that girl is gone and only I have the ability to resurrect her

But everytime it seems I’ve almost brought her back, the shadow sneaks around and slams that casket shut again

Leaving me in the dark; cold, alone and left to cry

Begging for the day the shadow will leave for good

And I can finally be free and no longer misunderstood

 

My 2018 Goals/resolutions!

The year of changes

Now that I’ve reflected on 2017 in a previous post, I thought it would be fun to share with you all my goals and resolutions for the New Year! Many people don’t like the idea of resolutions but I find writing them down at the beginning of the year is very inspirational to me because I know exactly what I want to accomplish and it puts me in a better mind set to actually achieve these things. So without further ado, my 2018 resolutions/goals!

1. Buy a house before our wedding!- This is my #1 goal of this year, more than anything I want Tom and I to have our own home before we say I do October 28th!
2. Eat healthier and try to eat 3 meals a day
3. Drink more water
4. Get fit by joining the gym and spend less time laying in bed and more time being active
5. Graduate college with two associate degrees
6. Get a real, permanent job
7. Document everything!
8. Learn to love myself
9. Live in the moment and cherish every moment
10. Let go of the past
11. Be more positive, try to look more on the bright side and less on what is wrong
12. Save enough money for our Disney honeymoon
13. Save enough money to buy a new camera, ideally the Sony a6500
14. Work more on self-care
15. Start a Youtube channel, something I’ve wanted to do for years but keep putting off due to fear
16. Write something every day
17. Read at least one book a month
18. Work on controlling my anger and temper
19. Dedicate more time and energy to selling thirty-one
20. Dedicate more time to my blog, post daily or at least twice a week
21. Finish the final draft of my novel “Scare fair”
22. Finish the first draft of my novel “Scare fair, Book 2
23. Go to sleep and wake up at a set time every day
24. Dive more into photography, take pictures every day and do more photoshoots
25. Rediscover God in my life, learn to trust him and have faith

I’m sure things will be added to this list as we get more and more into the new year but for now, I’m happy with the list I have made. When watching one of my favorite Youtubers the other night, she said that it’s helpful to have a personal motto for the new year. This can be a phrase or a word that relates to the big picture you want from 2018. For me, my 2018 motto is simply the word “change”. 2018 is the year of changes for me in so many ways but one of the biggest changes I hope 2018 will bring is in my mental health and the way I look at myself. A year from now, I want to be able to confidently say that I love the person I am and am happy with what i’ve accomplished. I think the idea of having a motto is a great way to keep that inspiration alive throughout the entire year! 😀

Pinterest daily journal prompts- Jan. 7th

Top 3 priorities 

In addition to the 365 question challenge, I also found Daily journal prompts that I decided to include within my blog as well. So today’s prompt is My top 3 priorities.

#1. My Family and friends, including my pets

• Family has been #1 to me my entire life. Nothing is more important to me than my family and my friends. When it comes to priorities, my family and friends will always be first.

#2. My health, Physical and mental

• In order for me to be the best person I can be and therefore bring my best self to my family and friends, my physical and mental health must be prioritized in my life. I can’t count how many time health issues have caused me to miss out on making memories with my friends and family. I know I need to start taking better care of myself and that is why it’s #2 on my list of priorities for 2018.

#3. My writing and photography

• Now I know some of you probably don’t understand why something like that would be on my top 3 priorities list but these two things help me in so many ways. My dream is to be an author one day so by prioritizing writing in my life, it helps me get one step closer to turning this dream into a reality. I also tend to put my passions on the back burner a lot even though they bring me so much joy so for 2018, I plan to prioritize these passions.

 

 

365 questions pinterest challange- Day 7

Jan. 7th- Can people change?

Today’s question is one that makes me laugh considering my motto for 2018 is the word “change”. Can people change? Well the answer to this is obviously yes, but there is so much more than just that. Everyone has the ability to change but in order to change, one must be willing to let go of the past. For instance, if one wishes to change their life style and become healthier, than one must let go of the eating habits they once had and adapt new, healthier ones. For some people, change can be hard. I know personally, I have never been one to like change. I’m content with how things are and therefore do not want things to be different. But without change in ones life, there is no growth and this year has taught me just how important it is to grow. When I look in the mirror, I am not happy with the person I see looking back at me, however only I can change the way I view myself. So to answer the question again, I would say yes, people can change but they will only change if they have the motivation and dedication to become the person they wish to be.

*Since I missed the first 6 days, let me just write a brief synopsis of what this is. I’m obsessed with Pinterest and on Pinterest I found these awesome 365 day question posts and I just knew I wanted to incorporate them into my blog! I hope you enjoy 🙂

Reflecting on 2017

A year I will never forget

So I know this post is a bit late considering we are already 7 days into the new year but better late than never. I still can not believe it is 2018! When I look back on all the memories of 2017, I can not help but smile! Obviously, the biggest thing to happen to me in 2017 was getting engaged to my best friend! It’s crazy to think by the end of this year, I will be a wife! Since July, I have had so much fun wedding planning, booking our venue and vendors, and of course choosing my bridesmaids and maid of honor!

2017 also taught me a ton of lessons, the biggest being that I really can accomplish things if I work hard enough. When my boss suggested hiring me as a temp. program assistant back in May, I nearly passed out! I was so scared of all this new responsibility, especially having to interact with students, handle cash, and worse of all for me, talk on the phone to strangers! But now here we are almost 8 months later and I realize that job was the best thing to happen to me! I’m sad that that position unfortunately ended Dec. 29th, but the experience and confidence I gained from working there will follow me into this next year of my life.

Another huge accomplishment for me this year was getting back behind the wheel. Now, I still am not driving by myself but just the fact that I am willing to drive again is huge and something I didn’t think would happen for a long time!

Of course, with all the good times, 2017 also had it’s hardships. I officially got diagnosed with arthritis, something I have still not fully come to terms with. I found out i’m borderline glaucoma in my eyes and that I have permanent damage within my left eye that must be treated with eye drops pretty much for the rest of my life. But the toughest thing of all was my mental health. Even though I started going to therapy, I noticed very little change in myself. Therapy helped me to open my eyes and see the root of my problems, however therapy also taught me the only one who can fix me is myself. I have really great patches where my mood is great and i’m motivated but than I have dark spells where my depression and anxiety take over and I don’t want to do anything. The two things I love more than anything in the world is writing and photography. That was why I started a blog, because it combines my two favorite things plus is a way that maybe I can help people. But even this was stopped because my depression was too strong. It’s been a rough past month but I refuse to let this be my story for 2018. 2018 is the year of changes for me. If all goes as planned, Tom and I will own our first house before we get married. Owning a home, being a wife and starting a family are things I have dreamed about since I was a little girl and it’s unreal to me that these dreams are coming true this year. 2017 is a year I will never forget, filled with memories and moments I will always cherish but I am ready for what this new year will bring to my life and hope that through everything, I can remain positive and overall happy! 🙂 So thank you 2017 for all you brought me and hello 2018, let’s make this the best year yet!! 🙂

8 Things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving day :)

Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!! I hope you all are having a nice Thanksgiving filed with delicious food and quality time with the people you love most! Since it is Thanksgiving, I felt it was only right for me to make a post about what I am thankful for this year, so here we go 🙂

1. To start off, I am so thankful for my amazing, loving fiance! This boy has stood by my side for almost 5 years now and has always been there for me no matter what. Even when I drive him crazy and am at my worst with my anxiety and/or depression, he is always there for me, doing his best to help. I can’t imagine my life without him and can not wait to officially be his wife!
2. I am thankful for all of my amazing family but especially for my mom and grandma. These two women are the strongest women I know and they mean the world to me. My mom is always there for me, always encouraging me to follow my dreams and never give up. Looking back on my childhood, I now see everything that she did for me and words can’t express how thankful I am for that. My grandma is also always there for me and always helping me and Tom with anything we need. I am the person I am today because of these two women and that I could not thank them enough for!
3. I am thankful for my wonderful friends who never fail to make me laugh. The times I get to spend with my friends just talking, laughing and hanging out are ones I cherish. Whenever I’m down, I can always count on my friends, especially my maid of honor and bridesmaids to cheer me up. My life would be so much darker without them in it and I am so thankful to be able to call these amazing people my friends!
4. I am thankful for my amazing pets who constantly bring so much cheer into my life. I am thankful for Willie and Luna who, even if they drive me crazy, are two amazing, loving dogs who I could not imagine being without. I am also thankful for my dogs Lacey, Dasher, Hazel and Kuddles who, even if I don’t see much now that I no longer live at home, are still very special to me and a huge part of my life. I am also thankful for my two cats and all of my little critters who I also don’t see much now but who mean so much to me.
5. I am thankful for the job I have and more importantly for my coworkers. If i’m having a bad day, I can always count on these wonderful woman to make me laugh and cheer me up. I also know I can count on them to be there for me and truly know they really do care about me. I will be sad next year when this job comes to an end but until than, I will cherish every moment of it.
6. I am thankful for my soon to be family. Even if my future brother-in-law and sister-in-law drive me crazy sometimes, I know they care about me and are there for Tom and I. My future mother-in-law is honestly the sweetest woman in the world and i’m so thankful that she is a part of my life and that I can call her mom.
7. I am thankful for my grandfather and even though this December will mark 9 years since he has passed away, the impact he had on me and who I am today is one that will always remain. Words can’t express how much I miss him but I am thankful for all the love he brought into my life and for all the memories he gave me. I love you grandpa, today was always your favorite holiday ❤
8. Lastly, I am thankful for the person I am. Sure, having anxiety, depression, fibro, and arthritis make life difficult most of the time and I have very low self esteem but I am thankful for who I am. I hope one day I will be able to help others with the stories of my struggles. My life might not be easy but it’s my life and I wouldn’t wish to be anyone else 🙂

 

On this day, I want all of you to think about what you are thankful for. Today was my first Thanksgiving as a combined family and also the first Thanksgiving where I didn’t have to rush out of the house to go to a bunch of different places. It was relaxing and spending this day with the people I am most thankful for was beyond priceless. I can honestly say, this was the best Thanksgiving I have had in a long time and I am so grateful for such a wonderful day! Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and thank you for reading 🙂

Darkness

Darkness

I feel like water has invaded my lungs

With each breath I take, it hurts and becomes harder and harder to take another breath

Anger has flooded my body, but I know no reason why

I want to scream, I want to punch the wall

My body shakes with anger, my heart racing

How can I get through the day feeling like this

How can I sit at work, in class, without people realizing i’m dying inside

I’m snapping at everyone, my fiance tries to help but it’s no use

I snap at him and shut down

I don’t want love right now, I don’t want happiness

I want to be angry, I want to feel pain

I want to cry and be alone, somewhere I can scream until no sound is left, where no one will stop me

But I can’t right now, so instead, I paint a fake smile on my face and try to appear fine

Try to not let anyone see how much i’m hurting inside for fear of what they would do

But as the day continues, that paint slowly starts to smudge and pretending I’m fine becomes a harder and harder task

I’m trying to remain strong but my facade is breaking and I don’t know how much longer the bandage of a smile will hold my pieces together.

Someone please tell me when this feeling will leave my body

When I will be able to smile and laugh like I did only a day ago

Won’t someone tell me when the dark thoughts will cease

And the water will leave my lungs

When I won’t cause pain to the ones I love

But instead bring them joy

The darkness is too overwhelming, a mixture of black and red is all I can see

I haven’t felt this way in so long but I should have known I wasn’t free

I’ll never be free from these demons inside

Which makes me wonder why, I even try

 

On the Outside

On the outside

On the outside. That’s how she felt. Disconnected from the world and the people around her. People who once were her best friends, now she barely talked to. She knew pulling away from the theatre program would cause things to be different but she never imagined the sense of loneliness that she would feel. Listening to her “friends” talk about rehearsals and auditions, for the first time, felt like a different language. A language she used to know but was now too fuzzy to fully understand. She could see as her friends slowly drifted away but there was nothing she could say to stop them. And she couldn’t blame them either. She was at a different part in her life, engaged and planning her wedding and future. They were still just college kids, living for the stage like she once had been. Still, it hurt to see how much less in common she and her “friends” had now. A few stayed, a few would try but even with them it was hard. When she wasn’t working or doing wedding planning, they would have rehearsals and vice versa. Hanging out all together seemed to be something they just couldn’t coordinate. Though she continued to go to class, she felt out of place sitting in those classroom chairs. She longed to be free from these walls, longing to be doing something more productive that would benefit her future than learning about art mediums. She wanted to work and make money all day instead of sit in a class she could care less about. She wanted to spend her free time writing instead of doing homework. This feeling of loneliness and being out of place though, was nothing new to her. For she had felt that way many times throughout her 21 years of life. Always acting older than she really was, always dreaming of bigger things. Always the mom of the group, the responsible one. The one who rather stay at home cuddling with her boyfriend while watching a movie than out getting drunk and partying into all hours of the night. A girl who had an imagination like no other but whose imagination kept becoming less and less as reality took over. Who once could look at a blank piece of paper and write for hours about a new land but now stares at a half-written novel with not a clue of where to go. She dreams of becoming someone, of becoming famous. And not because of the normal reasons someone wants to become famous but because by being famous people would hear her story. They would hear her constant struggle with anxiety and depression. How she suffers everyday in a body that just wants to quit because arthritis has invaded every joint in her body. How she has always felt on the outside but no matter what kept going. She wants to be famous to help the ones out there who suffer too. Who wake up in the morning and wish they never had. To show them they can conquer any of their demons and that life is worth all this pain. She dreams of the day her story will save others. But often that dream becomes dark when she thinks of how she will never be good enough. When she stares at that piece of paper and that sense of magic doesn’t spark her fingers to start to type, she wonders if she even has the talent to cause people to want to hear her. She’s just a girl trying to fit into a world she will never belong in. Because, the world today wasn’t built for people like her. Wasn’t made for the ones with creativity in their heart, the ones who believe in magic and love. The world today crushes the people who are like her, crushes people who are different. But people who are different are people who are special. They are the ones who can change the world, they are the ones that bring that sense of magic into others lives. Who can turn the dark and grey into a rainbow and a frown into a smile. Sadly, too often society wins and these people who could have done so much, are consumed by the dark reality and that spark of magic in them goes out, never to be lit again. She is caught between the special person she is and the person society wishes for her to become. Stuck between the two, fighting to keep the magic in her alive. But magic doesn’t pay the bills, magic doesn’t get you a house, magic can’t feed a family. How can magic survive in a world that is designed to kill creativity. How can she continue to believe in mythicality and childhood dreams when her life calls for her to grow up and forget those silly fantasies. So she continues to be stuck in between, still on the outside, yearning for the day she realizes that being on the outside is better than being consumed on the inside. The day she realizes how lucky she is to be different in such a cookie-cutter world and that day she will unlock the special power within and ignite a flame that no one will ever be able to stomp out.

Sick of just existing

There’s a YouTube channel that I am absolutely obsessed with called Good Mythical Morning. Not only am I obsessed with the channel, I also am obsessed with Rhett and Link and all the mythical family. When I heard they were releasing a book, I freaked out and of course ordered it the day it came out. It came in Friday and I read the entire book. I was fascinated learning all about Rhett and Link, their friendship, and their lives! But reading the book, I realized something. As much as I want to call myself a Mythical beast, the life that I’m living right now is anything but mythical. To have a mythical life, one must be willing to try new things, take risks and live their life to the absolute fullest. One must love their self and be willing to make a total fool out of themselves without caring what anyone else thinks. Me, on the other hand, is literally afraid of everything and avoid risks and trying new things at all cost. Now, this isn’t because this is what I want but because anxiety has such a tight grip on my life, it’s hard not to be afraid of everything. I mean, take 3 weekends a go for example. Tom, my mom, and I went to fright fest at Six Flags. Now this is something we do every year and when I was younger, always looked forward to. This year, however, I was so scared I could hardly walk through the park and immediately wanted to leave. I ruined the fun for my mom and fiancé because fear took over me. I was so angry with myself that night. In fact, I’m so angry with my self all the time for being scared to do anything or try anything new. I had the opportunity to get tickets to see Rhett and Link at their first show of their very first tour last night but due to the fact I would be surrounded by a lot of people in a theater in Long Island, I decided not to get the tickets. Fear stopped me from seeing the two guys I completely love who inspire me live!  I’m afraid of concerts, of going to the movies, of driving, of going to the city, of the train, hell I’m even scared of going shopping sometimes. Living in this world with anxiety is absolute hell! But, somehow I need to start living differently. I’m very picky when it comes to food but tonight, I tried to eat a mushroom within the tuna casserole my future sister in law made. I hated it, I gagged, but I swallowed the damn thing and I was just proud of myself for doing that. I want to make a promise to myself right now that I’m going to start trying to live a mythical life. Now, I know this isn’t going to be an easy thing and I will probably falter here and there but I’m trying to stay confident and believe that I can conquer my fears. I might have anxiety but anxiety has run my life for far too long. What I’m doing, is just existing, not living and I refuse to just exist anymore. Life is too damn short to just exist. It’s time to start living.

demons within

As children, we were afraid for we believed monsters lived under our bed. As adults though, we became terrified when we realized the monsters actually lived in our head. Growing up, you find the demons we were so scared of as a child now reside within our mind and turning on the light won’t make them disappear. Demons whose main purpose is to make you hurt and make everyone around you feel your pain. Sometimes, these demons find a way to escape my mind and inhabit my body. This is when they are most dangerous. For you see, as long as the demons are trapped within the cell of my mind, the only person they can torture is me. Only I can hear their cruel words and the overwhelming worthlessness they project onto me. But when the demons find a way to break free from the bars, they gain the ability to hurt the one’s around me. These demon’s main goal in life is to hurt but they aren’t satisfied with just causing pain to their host. They want everyone around me to feel that pain. They want everyone around me to suffer just as they make me suffer each and every day. The demons are also quite smart for they know with their hurtful words they will push the people closest to me away and i’ll be left alone. The demons know only when i’m truly alone can they engulf me, breaking me in a way I can never be repaired. When these demons take over, no longer are the words coming from my mouth my own but theirs. Like knives, these words are so cruel that they stab my loved ones hearts and bring tears to their eyes. The demon’s’ presence is so strong that any emotion other than anger is nonexistent within me. No tears fall from my eyes and my heart feels like it’s been turned to stone. The demons make me want to kick, punch, scream and yell. They know this is their chance to make me physically hurt instead of just emotionally be scared. They want me to physically feel pain and there are moments when their grip upon me is just too strong to fight. Like a puppet under the demon’s spell I find my limbs begin to move on their own. I watch as my hand reaches for a pair of scissors or a pill bottle and though I wish for them to stop, I know I am no longer in control of my body. Here is where the demon begins to speak inside my mind, their words only meant for my ears. Their actions have left the people I love crippled in pain and anger so now they return their attention towards me. Their voices begin to echo through my head, growing louder and louder until they’re all I can hear. “Look what you’ve done” they hiss like a snake, their words wrapping around me until I find myself unable to breathe, “You don’t deserve happiness, you don’t deserve love, you don’t even deserve to live, all you deserve is pain, just end it already, you know everyone would be so much better off with you gone” The words sting and no matter how hard I try to fight them, they are just too strong and I find myself believing the things they say. Upon seeing they have won this battle, the demons return to my mind, releasing my body and plunging me back into reality, left to deal with the mess they have made. I stare at the damage my demons have caused and begin to agree that everyone would be happier if I was gone. For if I am gone, than they are gone and neither of us can hurt them anymore. Sometimes my emotions return and I find myself crying, ridden with guilt for what just occurred. Sometimes though, my emotions do not return. Sometimes the demons keep their claws wrapped around them so that I feel nothing but numbness. I feel paralyzed, I feel lost, I feel dead. It’s like i’m still breathing but spiritually my heart has stopped. The world around me is nothing but a blur, the words people say too foggy to hear. It’s like my body is still alive but inside I am dead. Here is where the demons smile for you see this is their ultimate goal. They don’t wish for me to actually die because than they will die too. In death my pain would be no more. In death they could not hurt me. No, instead they wish for me to be dead inside. They wish for me to feel nothing, to be cut off from the world somewhere only they can be so they can continue to torture me until the day I die. They want me to be alone, unable to speak to anyone or even move. To just be a shell they live within instead of a girl fighting a war she never asked to be a part of. Someone who doesn’t want to die, but doesn’t want to live either. This is where it’s up to me to break free, where I long to feel something, anything just to know that i’m still breathing. Some days it’s harder to break free though, some days I think of how much easier it would be to just surrender to my demons. To live the rest of my life in a state of numbness. But then I remember though I would no longer feel pain, sadness and anger I would also no longer feel joy, laughter, and love and I know I can not raise my white flag. I know I must continue to fight them and break away from the trance they have put me in. I must find the light lost in the sea of darkness and grasp onto it, shining it onto my demons until they release me. I might have never asked to be a warrior but I know I must fight to survive and I refuse to back down.These demons may be a part of me but they will not destroy me.

The top 3 moments since the last time I’ve posted!

Hey everyone! I know it has been over 3 weeks since I last posted but I have so much to tell you all!! Before I do that though, I want to let you know why I haven’t been posting. Besides just being super busy lately, my depression and anxiety seemed to have taken control of me and left me not having any energy to write or do the things I love to do. Whenever I did want to write, the pesky depression convinced me nothing I could write would be good enough to post so why bother. Unfortunately, I listened to this voice and ignored my blog. But, in these last few weeks so much has happened to my life, including the best thing to ever happen to me and I know I need to update all of you on them because these three things are things I didn’t think might ever happen because of my depression and anxiety but they have and that just goes to show that no matter what you are dealing with, you can win the battle and if this stuff could happen to me, it can happen to you too!!! So here are the top three moments that have happened since the last time I posted.

#3. I am officially working as a temporary program assistant in the student accounts office at my college!! I have been a student worker there for three years now but that job consisted of me sitting at a desk scanning, indexing, verifying, and filing paperwork. Now, i’m right at the front windows, dealing with students face to face, answering phones, dealing with money, and handling their accounts. Its a social anxiety nightmare to be honest and the first week I was terrified that I would get tongue tied on the phone or just start crying at the window if someone yelled at me but as the days continued, I began to become more and more comfortable. It was such a big step for me and I am so proud I didn’t deny the job offer due to fear because I wouldn’t have such a great job now that challenges me again and again each day.

#2. I got a car and am officially driving again! Now this is a huge deal because in November of 2015, not even a month after getting my first car, I got into a car accident that resulted in my car being totaled. Though the accident was not my fault and no one got hurt, I refused to drive by myself and drove very rarely with other people. That is until 3 weeks ago when Tom’s coworker told him she had a 2002 ford escape that she would sell me for 2000. After convincing my grandma to loan me the money, I picked up my new car and found my self driving with people all the time. The biggest accomplishment though was driving so far three times by myself! Granted, I was following either Tom or my mother but it was only me in my car! This is something I never thought I would be able to do and once again am proud that my fear didn’t stop me from getting back behind the wheel.

#1. So this is the biggest news I have to share. Last Sunday, my mom, tom, and myself traveled down to Ocean City, NJ to join my amazing Pennsylvania family for a family vacation. Vacation alone was beyond perfect but on Wednesday night, at the top of my favorite ride in Wonderland on the Ocean City Boardwalk, the Wonder wheel, my best friend asked me to marry him!!! That’s right everyone, I’m engaged!!!!! I still can not believe I no longer have a boyfriend but a fiance! When you suffer from anxiety and depression, no matter how amazing your relationship is, it’s hard to imagine you doing something normal and amazing such as getting married. Knowing Tom wants to be with me for the rest of my life just the way I am, well words cant describe that feeling! I can’t wait to share all my wedding planning details with all of you!!!

Top 5 moments of the week! (6/19- 6/25)

Ahhh! Somehow I forgot to do this last night! Must have been just so tired from the amazing weekend I had so let’s get to it!

#5. I officially got approved for my new temp position at my job! I’m so excited to finally be at the window helping students instead of just scanning, indexing and verifying paperwork.

#4. Went to the Nail salon and got a totally patriotic manicure!

#3. Made Tom a nice steak dinner and got to enjoy a quite night just the two of us ❤

#2. Actually went to the Jewelry store and looked at/tried on engagement rings! It was so surreal thinking that not too long from now I may no longer have a boyfriend but a Fiance!! 🙂

#1. My best friend surprised me with VIP pit passes to a Sam Hunt concert! The concert was amazing and we were so close to the stage!!

FEAR

Fear. A 4 letter word that seems to run every aspect of my life. Every single day fear and worry come to play havoc within me. Every day I worry about terrible things happening; tragic accidents that will take the lives of the ones I love most, illnesses spreading through the bodies of my loved ones, and too many other things that I don’t have the time or room to name. The fear seems to increase when things within my life seem to be going well. It’s really sad to admit that when everything in my life seems to be going good for a change, I start to worry more. I’m incapable of believing I’m allowed to have a good life. I can’t believe that something isn’t going to swoop in and take this happiness away from me. Lately, I worry a lot about my boyfriend. Countless nights I wake up crying because I’ve had a terrible nightmare of him getting seriously hurt or killed in an accident. It’s my worst fear and I know that is why it is constantly attacking me. My boyfriend means the absolute world to me and without him, I know I would not be able to survive. He is the only person who is ever there for me and the only one I know I can trust with all my heart. I know this is why this fear keeps on coming to my mind and keeps torturing me because my love for him is the strongest and I still can’t believe how lucky I am. As a kid, I always wished I would find my soulmate in high school. I believe in fairy tales but as I got older, I never thought I would find it. Finding Tom and seeing my fairy tale slowly develop, though makes me happy, also frightens me because I can’t believe I’m this lucky. My therapist tells me one reason i’m like this is due to how my dad left. Though my dad thought he was doing the right thing by giving me one amazing day and than breaking the news to me that him and my mom were divorcing, he actually set my mind up to always expect the bad when there’s good. She tells me this is why when things are going well in my life, I begin to panic and freak out because i’m trained to believe bad will soon follow. It sucks. I want to begin this beautiful next chapter in my life but when I sit here and think about getting engaged, getting married, having our own home, and having children my mind starts to freak out because that’s too perfect. It’s the life I’ve always imagined so how can it be true? How can it be mine? Certainly something is going to prevent that from happening, something horrible. These are the thoughts that run through my mind until I collapse in tears and go into a panic attack. It sucks. I hate living like this and have honestly thought about trying hypnotherapy because I can’t live in a constant state of worry anymore. I can’t begin this next chapter of my life while constantly fearing that Tom is going to get killed in a car accident or that I am going to be unable to have children.This isn’t living, this is just surviving each day. Sometimes I worry that the reason i’m so scared of this happening is because my emphatic abilities is telling me that it will but then I remember what my therapist say and force myself to believe these thoughts are just because of how I am. I try to have faith and trust in God that he won’t let anything that horrible happen to Tom but when I constantly read articles about these couples losing their spouse because of a terrible accident or illness, that faith begins to waiver. This is my biggest problem with religion and trusting the Lord. How can I trust it won’t happen to me when I see it happen all the time? At any minute my entire life can be turned upside down and there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening and that alone is fucking terrifying. Normal people don’t think like this. Normal people can go to a concert with their best friend and not have a worry in the world that they might not make it back home. Normal people can get into a car and not picture every situation that can happen on the road. I’m not normal though. I’d give anything to be able to just live my life without obsessing over fear. Without constantly obsessing over death and tragedy. Without having to worry about stuff that more and likely will never occur. The saying goes God never gives you anything you can’t handle, I just wish he wouldn’t trust me so much. I guess I just need to believe that God won’t take Tom from me until we are very old and that we will be able to have kids than because those are 2 things I truly will not be able to handle. I need to begin to have faith and trust and I need to stop fearing everything because I can’t live like this anymore. I honestly can’t. For anyone who thinks this way as well, I truly feel sorry for you because I know the struggle you go through every day. I wish I had words of comfort but the only words I can say is just rely on your loved ones and keep pushing through. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, I know there is, and one day we will find it. I wish life was so simple that someone could just tell me once and for all No this will not happen so I can stop worrying but unfortunately there is no person that can do this. So I need to figure out other ways to cope and prevent the worrying from consuming me once and for all. I just wish it wasn’t going to be so hard 😦